Family is Complicated
by Debbie Poer
From very early in time man has been meant to have a family and to care for them. In Genesis 7 we hear the LORD instructing Noah to take his family into the ark to protect them from the waters that are about to come.
But I will establish My covenant with you; and you shall go into the ark—you, your sons, your wife and your sons’ wives with you. And of every living thing of all flesh you shall bring two of every sort into the ark, to keep them alive with you; they shall be male and female.
Genesis 6:18-29
Later, Abraham was assured by God that he will have a family larger than any other.
Then He brought him outside and said, “Look now toward heaven, and count the stars if you are able to number them.” And He said to him, “So shall your descendants be.”
Genesis 15:5
And in the New Testament, Jesus referred both to his biological family (Matthew 12:46) as well as his chosen family of disciples and friends (Matthew 12:50).
Jesus’s life is a perfect example of the description of family - it’s complicated!
In 1990 my husband, Jim, and I were encouraged to house a foreign exchange student from Mexico. Our daughter, Krista, was in her junior year of high school at the time. As we processed the opportunity, we decided it would give Krista a brother for a year since she had no siblings. What began as a brother for one year ended up being six brothers and one sister over the course of several years.
As we settled into the life of a multiple nationality family – first Mexico, then Greece, then Germany – we learned many things about other cultures as well as many things about our own.
From our Mexican kids (all from the same family) we learned the value of family. Through them, we became a part of a large family of 8 children. From our Greek son we learned a different view of division of labor in the home. He grew up with Mom having her set of responsibilities and Dad having his own set. It was unlike our home where most responsibilities were shared between Mom and Dad. From our German sons (brothers) we learned about giving our children more independence and responsibility at a younger age.
And then there were the conflicts. Son to Dad – “I will NOT help with dishes, which is women’s work.” Dad to son in response, “You live here, you eat here, you are part of this family, therefore, you help here.” Mom to son when alcohol was discovered in his bedroom – “In your culture it may be acceptable, here it is not.” End of discussion. Sister about sister – “She is so spoiled.” Parental response – “You two figure out how to get along.”
But there was also protection. Even now, all these years later, we don't known exactly what happened and we respect they never shared, but at one point our Greek son did something to protect his American sister. We saw a strengthening in their brother/sister bond and in the way in which they interacted with one another.
It’s funny too. Through the years when kids would come “home” to visit and they met other exchange student kids living with us, they would bond. One of our Mexican sons bonded in a special way with our Greek son, and they stay in touch to this day.
We always wondered why God opened the door so wide for us to begin hosting exchange students. Yes, Krista would ultimately have brothers and sisters, but was there more?
In 1997 at the age of 22, Krista lost her battle with Cystic Fibrosis. One of our Mexican sons was living with us at the time and walked those days of grieving with us. Our Greek son came home and spent six weeks working with his American Dad. Their time spent together, building a garage for a client, was a time of healing for both of them.
So, what does our family look like today? It’s complicated. It’s filled with kids we stay in close contact with and kids we have lost track of. There are the kids who are Mexican by birth but now live in Mexico and Canada. We have kids who did not live with us but call us Mom and Dad because of their siblings who did live with us. We have a son in Greece who we stay in touch with. (Isn’t “WhatsApp” great?). And best of all we see them in person every few years. And like every family we share in the celebration of births of babies, job promotions, and grandchildren’s graduations. From a distance we share in the sorrows of deaths and divorce and have the privilege of offering advice when life is difficult. In their independence, we have lost track of and lost touch with our German sons, a sad family occurrence.
Jesus never told us being family would be simple. Like us, there were times when he did not have a great relationship with his biological brothers – “for even His brothers did not believe in Him” (John 7:5). And there were times when he became exasperated with his “chosen family” – “But He said to them, ‘Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?’” (Matthew 8:26). But when we look at His teachings, we discover that everything He said and taught applies to life, whether to family, friends, acquaintances, or strangers.
Here are a few things I see Him sharing, all of which apply to being family, whether biological or chosen:
Love one another - A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. John 13:34. Although Jesus was speaking directly to his disciples, His words apply to anyone who call herself/himself a disciple of Jesus. Sometimes it is difficult to love our family and that is when the next point comes into play.
Forgive one another - But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:15. Jesus reminds us that we are all sinners, who God forgives. Sometimes, even in families, we hurt one another with our words or our actions. Jesus’ words don’t give us any type of “pass” on forgiveness. It doesn’t matter – family or non-family, we are called to forgive.
Go where we are called – Going on from there, He saw two other brothers, James the son of Zebedee, and John his brother, in the boat with Zebedee their father, mending their nets. He called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father, and followed Him. Matthew 4:21-22. We are sometimes called by God to leave our family to serve Him. It’s never easy to be away from family, but God’s plans as we see in the lives of the disciples, are greater than our own.
Families come in all shapes and sizes. Our family looks very different from your family. It does not make either one better than the other. What matters is our setting the example and striving to live like Jesus in whatever family we are given. As you think about your own complicated family, in what areas do you need to heed Jesus’ words?
